The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Breaker
by Teroglahn
Summary: A straightforward, sarcastic satire of the Wind Waker, written in an absurdist style. Will contain spoilers. Chapter 2 up
1. Salvatore Speaks

**Author's Note**: Forgive the immature title... Yes, I have pretty good shticks and gags for this thing, but bear with me: I stink at commitment and I have school. Now, without further ado, I present...

**THE DISCLAIMER!**: Obviously, the Legend of Zelda series belongs to Nintendo and not a fickle young lad, such as I. In addition, the random, silly references which will be brought up (which I will reveal as they come to pass) are not in my possession.

And now that is done, without any further ado...

**The Legend of Zelda**

THE WIND BREAKER

Prologue:

**The Admiral Speaks**...

Perhaps to better understand the events surrounding the journeys of Link, it is best to get an idea of the Legend of Hyrule and other events leading up to our main story. During the amateur, inexperienced author's desperate search for amateur, inexperienced ideas on how to entertain like-minded inexperienced amateurs, I - erm, he - has, by chance, met up with a clerk who operates the battleship game at Windfall Island. After speaking with him and his various alter-egos, the amateur realized that this fellow had a good understanding of Hyrulean history, and invited him to read the prologue.

So if you please, sir, would you like to begin?

A bored voice, "I _am_ getting paid for this, right?"

Yes, yes sir. Of course you are, now please go ahead.

The funny old man cleared his throat and held up a cardboard cutout of a Napoleon-esque captain. "Oh-ho-ho! I zee you 'ave an een-terest een zee Legends, am I not correct?"

Er, yes. I believe we have established that.

"Ah, yes! Good, good! I am zee Admiral Dovalski, and I shall tell everything about them! Ahem. A long, long time ago, before your parents vere born, and before your parents' parents vere born, and before your parents' parents' _parents_ vere born, and before..."

Ahem!

"Whoops! Sorry. Zee great Admiral got... how do you say? Carried away, no?"

That's fine, keep going.

"Very well. Back zen, there vas zees bea-utiful kingdom of 'Ayrule! And all zee townspeople vere so happy!"

The old man put down the cutout, only to lift up another cutout strewn with sloppy drawings of young children - the man, of course, being a girl in the foreground.

"Hooray! We're so happy in this place!"

The old man returned to his original cutout. "Ah, yes. And in zis land vas eh magical golden power... zee Triforce!"

The old man held up a sheet of paper bearing the image of three messily-drawn yellow triangles that completely obscured his face. He held it up for a second or two, making weird humming noises to imitate a powerful force field before putting it down and bearing the children cutout once again, going "Ooooh!"

The Admiral cutout rose again, "Ah, yes. But zis power vas coveted by _all_, including an _eevil _sorcerer..."

The old man picked up a new cutout with the image of Ganon, shouting "RAAAAWR!"

The children screamed.

The Admiral continued, "But never fear! For a great 'ero rose up from out of nowhere, and defeated zee monster."

The children cheered, "Yayyy!"

"Zis hero, ze 'Ero of Time, traveled all over zee verld, doing many brave thiings!"

"Yayyy!"

"But zen... zee evil sorcerer returned!"

"Yay- I mean, oh no!"

The image of Ganon was back, "Mwahahahaha!"

Dovalski again, "But horror! Zee 'hero did not return! 'Ayrule vas doomed, and zee only thing people could do vas pray to de gods..."

The children, "Help me, you old farts! C'mon!"

"Vat ever 'appened to zee place? Nobody knows... yet zer still vas 'ope! In zee south, zer vas an island zat clad their lads in green like zee 'ero 'imself, and only hoped zat zey could grow up to kick butt like he did..."

The man set the cutout down, and grumbled, "Okay, I _did_ it. So are you going to pay me or what?"


	2. When a Boy Becomes a Man

**Author's Note**: Look's like I'm off to a poor start here. Sorry 'bout the weird prologue. Guess it worked out better in my head than on the word processor.

I'm trying a different approach to satire. I've noticed that all the walkthrough/parodies seem to be a tad overdone, either under the influence of too many hormones or too much sugar. What I'm trying to do is write in a Douglas Adams style (you've all read _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_, haven't you?), with sardonic, absurdist humor. Because of this, I'd appreciate all criticism and comments to help me improve.

**Disclaimer**: Same as before, though ideas have been taken from Douglas Adams' _Hitchhiker_ series.

**Chapter 1**: When a Boy Becomes a Man

Our story begins years ago, in the days of glory upon the Great Sea. Men were _real_ men, women were _real_ women, Deku Scrubs were _real_ Deku Scrubs, and people had unusually enormous heads. Yes, it was a time of adventure… of excitement! Many ventured out into the high seas, in hopes of fame and glory! It was the kind of time period that influenced big-time video game moguls to produce clichéd video games and sappy fan fiction authors to respond with even more clichéd stories.

Unfortunately, our story begins in the lesser-known side of that era. Particularly, we begin on the obscure island of Outset. This island was more or less the Oklahoma of the Great Sea; everyone knew it was there, but who cares? Life in Outset Island was peaceful but very boring, as nothing had happened since Abe found a fish with two heads. Desperately, they tried to set up the town to attract tourists, doing so by building a useless watchtower (nothing to watch) and set up a "legendary, ancient" fairy fountain, in hope that a real Great Fairy would settle there. In a last ditch attempt, the islanders tried to converse entirely in pirate-talk. Needless to say, it didn't work.

The men were fisherman, the women were housewives, and there wasn't a single Deku Scrub in the vicinity. But they still had huge heads!

This day happened to be special, however. It was a little boy's twelfth birthday. Okay, so maybe that wasn't so special, but remember: it was a very small island in which even the most trivial occasion would trigger a festival. In addition, this boy was becoming a man!

…Pfft. Yeah right. No matter how much butt he kicked, he would always be a Grandma's boy.

A little girl in a flowery dress ran up the beach, carrying a telescope in her hand. Her name was Aryll; she was a sweet, adorable little girl, exactly the sort that always gets kidnapped by evil monsters.

"Big Brother!!!!" she called. No answer. Aryll ran all around the island for her brother, the said birthday boy, to no avail. Finally, she climbed up the useless watchtower (which she now claimed to be her own) to find her brother snoozing on the observation deck.

This boy had chosen a very poor place to sleep, as seagulls swarmed the area looking for target practice. However, the birds had developed an unusual connection with Aryll, so that she could approach them without fear. Of course, their bond was too close for comfort, for she often used her winged friends to play many a nasty prank.

Of course, this story is not about her, but her lazy brother. His name, you ask? Well, it depends. It could've been Atrus or Harold or SuPaDuPa or even Freak – any name less than nine letters. But for arguments' sake, we'll call him Link.

"'Hoy! Big Brother!"

Seeing that there was no response, she screamed at the top of her lungs, "Hey! Look! Listen!"

Traumatized by a nuisance in his former life, Link woke up with a start, crying, "For crying out loud, shut up!" He then lay there panting for a while, while his sadistic (though still quite adorable) little sister laughed.

"Sorry, bro, but I really had to do that. I mean, you do know what day it is today?"

Link's eyes widened, "By the Gods! I almost forgot!"

He grinned dopily and hugged Aryll, "A jolly International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day to ya, lass! Arrrgh!"

Aryll sighed, "Er… yeah. Link, nobody celebrates that anymore. What I'm talking about is _another_ holiday nobody celebrates."

Link withdrew, "You don't mean…"

"Yup! It's your birthday, Link!"

Link blinked, oblivious to the lame rhyme created by the amateur author, and grumbled, "Big deal. It's not like I can buy beer yet, anyway."

"Brother, don't be such a pessimist. Why are you so grumpy anyway?"

The blonde boy cleared his throat, "Aryll… has it ever occurred to you that we are not organic entities, but rather, packets of data with no free will? Think about it – right now, I'm being manipulated by thousands of brats sitting by television screens at once, and there is this idiotic Shakespeare wannabe narrating my every word! See, he's doing it again!"

"…What's Grandma been putting in your soup?"

"Matza balls, recently. Why?"

Aryll groaned, "Never mind. Grandma wants to see you, pronto."

"What?! No way am I going to do the laundry on my own birthday. Grandma can iron her own frilly underwear, thank you very much."

"Eeew! That's not what this is about. I think it's something about a present…"

The boy's jaw dropped, "She finally ordered the Nintendo Wii?!"

Aryll, not knowing what on earth the Wii was, simply nodded, "Yes… she did. I guess."

Link happily climbed down the abandoned watchtower, and ran over to the other side of the island, and as he did so, he heard a wheezing old voice shout, "Hoy!"

He turned around and saw old man Sturgeon on the balcony of his house. Sturgeon can be described as a little bespectacled bald man with an overly large head and, presumably, an overly large brain. Of course, that did not at all improve his social life as he sat in his room 24/7, reading books about people he never would meet, places he would never go to, and laws of physics he would never defy. In short, he is what the author will look like in seventy years. Sad, isn't it?

Sturgeon called again, "Hoy! Shiver me timbers, Link! Have a jolly old birthday, or ye shall walk the plank!"

Link shuddered, now understanding why nobody celebrates Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day anymore; because some nerdy guys tend to ruin it. "Hoy, Sturgeon, I guess…" He called.

"What's that? I couldn't hear you."

"I said 'Hoy!'"

"What?"

"'Hoy, you old fart! 'Hoy!"

"I'm sorry, were you L-targeting me?"

Link rolled his eyes, "Yes, I was."

"Wha- oops! Sorry 'bout that. Perhaps you would like to study with me?"

"No thanks, Mr. Sturgeon."

"Are you sure? We can have an intellectual discussion on _War and Peace_! It'll be so much fun!"

"That's okay, Mr. Sturgeon. I'll pass."

The elder sighed and continued to rant about how Link would never turn into a venerable scholar like him, and how he would someday turn into his hooligan brother, Orca, who spent all his time exercising and sparring yet somehow got a bigger part in the storyline. And something about Kugel. By then Link had already made his escape.

In time, he returned to his house, where he was greeted by his Grandma. She was a charming old woman, who would hug you to death, treat you with the uppermost kindness, and then sneak something into your soup to make your piss turn an abnormal color.

"Link," she said with a smile, "I've been waiting for you. Oh, I need you to try these on."

To Link's horror, the old woman produced a green tunic from behind her back, together with a floppy green hat, white tight-fitting pants, and a lime-green shirt.

"Grandma," he said, trying to retain his calm, "I think you've got the wrong holiday. This is my birthday, not Halloween."

The kind woman chuckled, "Oh, don't be silly, Link. You must wear these for your coming-of-age! I can't believe you're old enough to wear these clothes."

"Neither can I." Link grumbled. Reluctantly, he started to try them on. Fortunately for him, the kids at the TV screens were looking at his Grandma directly opposite from him.

"You see," she explained, more for the purpose of the audience than to her grandson, "You are now the same age as the Hero of Time…"

"So what?" shouted Link, "Just because he was a prodigy why do I have to suffer?"

"Link," Grandma scolded, "This is the age when boys were considered men! They were taught the ways of the sword to prepare them for battle with their enemies."

"Ack! I can't fit in these tights!"

A loud "whump" was heard, implying that the hero of our story has lost his balance.

Still, the old woman continued, "But we don't live in such an age any longer... Our ways are the ways of peace. Nowadays, I suppose Orca is the only one on the island who still knows anything about swordplay."

"So why the hell am I doing this?"

"Because it's tradition," she cried in exasperation, "like hanging the family shield on the wall! Doesn't any of this make sense to you?"

"No. Not really."

Finally, the camera switched back to Link, now that he was…

"WAAGH! Not yet!"

Whoops, sorry… folks, please excuse us while our hero frees his tunic from the clutches of his zipper. Wait a second, how do tights have zippers? Never mind. Oy, Link, you finished yet?

"Yeah."

Splendid. Finally, the camera switched back to Link, now that he was fully dressed.

"Isn't that nice, Link," his grandmother laughed, "They suit you perfectly! A perfect fit!"

Link grimly surveyed his new outfit. "If I'm supposed to look like a hero… are all heroes supposed to look like complete dorks?"

"No, dear, but it certainly helps for marketing purposes."

The green-clad boy groaned, "Great. Just great. Not only am I a dork, but I'm also a corporate ploy."

"But you certainly are an adorable little ploy, aren't you," his grandmother giggled, tugging on his cheek, "An adorable little cell-shaded ploy! Oh, who's my little ploy? Who's my little ploy?"

"Grandma, stop that!" screamed the youth. Begrudgingly, the old woman let go.

"All right. But remember, I'm going to throw a feast tonight! I'm going to make your favorite soup without putting anything in it to make your pee turn blue (for once), and we're inviting the entire town to celebrate!"

Link was horrified. He absolutely did not want to be seen in such bizarre Kokiri get-up, especially not by the entire village. True, it only consisted of a few families, but those few families would always be right there, hanging over his shoulder, bugging the hell out of him. Like Mary Sues.

Since Link had nothing smart to say back, Grandma assumed that her work was done. She laughed, "Now, dear, go get your little sister. Don't worry about the tunic. You'll only have to wear it for one day!"

Had Link or his grandmother listened closely, they would have heard old Sturgeon laugh, "That's what _you_ think!"


	3. The Plot Thickens!

**Author's Note**: Thanks to everyone who reviewed – I appreciate the comments and I especially appreciate the criticism. Keep it up!

A hint of warning here: I may have gone a tad overboard on this chapter. I always like writing whatever's on my mind, and boy, was I feeling chipper as I wrote this! Also, it seems the title of the story is a tad too immature, so can anyone think of a better title? Please?

**Disclaimer**: Exactly the same as before, only Nintendo owns the Wii that I mentioned last chapter.

**Chapter 2**: The Plot Thickens!

Link, as the reader could probably tell, was not having such a good day so far. Not only did he have to parade around the island wearing a silly, snug green get-up, but rumor had it that Abe found yet another two-headed fish with the second head sewn on, raising the possibility that the first two-headed fish was also a phony.

In addition, the adolescent was skeptical about the feast that would be prepared for him, which usually consisted of crabs, overly-flatulent hogs, and fish. It is quite obvious that when the gods decided to flood Hyrule, they did not take into account how bland life would be for the traumatized and slightly-peeved survivors. Link's grandmother's Elixir Soup seemed to be the only escape from the usual menu, as it did not seem to constitute fish or crabs, and lacked any trace of flatulent hog. Of course, the fact that his Grandmother kept the recipe secret was awfully unsettling; that, and its bright yellowish color. Some assumed that it was Cucco broth, but others feared for the worst.

Yes, things on Outset were so bland and uneventful that some claimed that, if anything, events went in reverse, a phenomenon which only Sturgeon wholly comprehended. For instance, if a couple got married on Windfall Island, they would most certainly get divorced during their honeymoon on Outset. An enlightened philosopher from beyond the Great Sea spent his entire life pondering over the state of the world and what he felt about it, human/Rito/Zora/Deku/Goron nature and what he felt about it, and why he never got a single woman in his entire life. However, when he tried to spread his philosophy to Outset, he suddenly forgot everything that had ever been conjured up from the recesses of his mind, and slowly reverted into a sex maniac. Perhaps the most extraordinary claim was that the sun actually moved a few spaces backwards across the sky as it shown over the island.

Not many of the islanders agreed with Sturgeon's argument, claiming that if it was true, then Sturgeon would be the youngest of all the island's residents, and not the oldest (though Sturgeon himself didn't mind the statement at all). The most promontory enemy of Sturgeon was his own brother, Orca. Despite their close childhood, Orca was the virtual opposite of Sturgeon, because while Sturgeon wasted his life on studying, Orca wasted his life on fighting. Day in and day out, old man Orca stood without his shirt on; swinging his harpoon at imaginary threats, spearing imaginary adversaries, and smashing not-so-imaginary pottery into not-so-imaginary little bits.

And because of this, Sturgeon despised Orca, and Orca despised Sturgeon. Together, they vowed that they would never agree on anything. However, by agreeing on not agreeing on anything, they instantly broke the agreement. Yet even after this episode, they both continued to live under the same roof. Why, you ask? It's for comic relief, you silly sod!

But of course, this tale is not about the two old men, but about a somewhat younger man who was now climbing up the watchtower where his sister and her avian friends planning a full-scale reenactment of Alfred Hitchcock's _The Birds_. But that's a different story altogether.

"Big brother," she cheered happily as the gulls dispersed, "You look like a dandy!" She paused, "Er, I mean you look dandy!"

"Can it, sis," Link grumbled.

"Sorry, Link," Aryll giggled, "I couldn't resist. Besides, you only have to wear it for one day."

Had someone been listening carefully, that certain eavesdropper would've heard a most unusual phenomenon in the background: Orca and Sturgeon laughing in unison for the first time in sixty years. Aryll, however, was quite oblivious to this, and continued, "Because it's your special day, I'm going to let you borrow my favorite belonging. But just for today!"

Link coughed, "Sis, I think you've got it a bit wrong."

"Wrong, Big Brother?"

"Yeah. You don't _lend_ people birthday gifts."

Ayrll smiled, "Okay! How long are you intending to keep it?"

"What?!"

"I'm charging five rupees for an entire 24-hour period, ten rupees for a week, twenty rupees for…"

The green-clad lad rolled his eyes, "Okay, I get it. I'll just _borrow_ it, if you don't mind."

"Certainly! Just hold out your hand and close your eyes."

Link did so, and felt a bizarre sensation take hold on his left hand. He felt something wet and slimy, and that gave off a rank scent. At first, it was uncomfortably warm, but it quickly turned very cold. Link did not even have to open his eyes to realize that one of Aryll's winged friends had a "present" for him as well, which he hastily wiped onto the banister.

Aryll blushed, "Sorry! I'm so sorry! Oh, gods… the gulls and I were working on that trick for weeks, and I never thought that they would actually pull it off."

Link grimaced, slightly annoyed that there was not a single drop of antibacterial soap in sight, "Well, looks like they did."

"Uh, never mind that," the little girl stammered, hoping to brighten the mood, "Here's my gift. Tah-dah!"

She then handed him a little wooden telescope, decorated with pictures of seagulls. Link was not entirely pleased, as he would have preferred a satchel of bombs or a hookshot or anything much more practical for the quest he _knew_ the gaming moguls were going to make him take. On the other hand, it definitely beat the other presents he received that day, which included several fish, some crabs, and a pet flatulent hog.

"Go ahead," Aryll giggled, "Look through it!"

The lad gazed through the telescope, and noticed a Rito flying by. Ritos look very much like humans, although with beak-like noses, clawed feet, and fine feathery wings to boot. The Rito people leaved to the northeast, by Dragon Roost Island, and were utterly despised by all the people of the Great Sea. And why were they so hated? It was not because they were so friendly, nor was it because they were so lean and attractive, nor was it the fact that the entire communications system relied on their ability to fly. The real reason was that because of these three characteristics, they were the exact sort of people who would get the high-ranking job you've always wanted throughout your entire life, and would do so with a smile on their beaked faces and no real effort.

This avian humanoid (or, to some people, a humanoid avian) was an avid postal worker, who happened to be named Quill. Now Quill, with all honesty, disliked his name, as it seemed to be a terrible pun about his winged ethnicity. Because of this, Quill had developed a very serious, skeptical attitude towards his life, his job, the activities of the gods, and even flatulent hogs.

For example, he as he landed down onto the shores of Outset ("_This certainly was fun the first time, but, like everything else, it's gotten quite boring_," he thought) he felt his yellowish feet sink into the soft sand ("_Sure, it feels nice now, yet I can tell in advance that it's going to get all over my tunic_"). He then carried a sack of letters ("_Valoo preserve me! For a bunch of rural savages, these blokes really get a lot of mail. How many people do they know back in civilization_") up to the mailbox ("_Ick! They definitely don't clean up after their pigs around here!_"). Finally, he realized that he stepped in a pile of fresh mud ("_Why those barbarians…_"), giving him an excuse to fly onto somebody else's roof and wipe his foot on the window ("_Payback time, you bastards_!").

"Sheesh, what's his problem?" muttered Link to himself. Suddenly, Aryll let out a shrill scream, and Quill looked up in the sky in horror ("_What the heck?!_"). Link knew just what it meant: the storyline was about to get interesting.

"AHHH! Link, look at the sky!" the girl shrieked. Since having a telescope did not allow full peripheral vision, Link had no idea where in the sky exactly young Aryll was referring to. He turned upward to look into the heavens, but to no avail.

"What do you mean? I don't see a thing." He said.

"Look at the sky!"

"Where do I have to look?"

"The sky is the sky!"

"We've confirmed that, Aryll. Am I looking in the right direction?"

"No, you're not!"

"Okay then. Let me just… is that a storm cloud? Nah, it's just a cumulus. And I don't thing it's heading our way. That's nothing at all to be worried about, sis."

"No, that's not it!"

"Then where should I look? Up? Down? Left at a 35 degree angle?"

"For crying out loud, Link, put down the telescope!"

Link, now understanding how silly he looked in such a serious situation, put down the device to see an enormous black bird. The bird, which must have had at least been the size of an entire ship, had long, golden tail-feathers which streamed out behind it and a steel helmet fitted on his head. In the beast's talons, Link noticed a small humanoid figure, bringing one thought to his mind: "_And the plot thickens_!"

Then, out of nowhere, a large boulder sailed past the bird, most likely with the intent of hitting it (unless, of course, you know of any other reason why a fairly large boulder would so defiantly break the laws of physics and fly towards fairly large birds for any other intention than striking them). Link turned his head to see that the source of this rock was a pirate ship, Jolly Roger and all. Many of the islanders gathered around the coast to watch – of course, they had no idea of the imminent danger that they were in. They just assumed that one amongst them had called in professionals to entertain everyone. Why else would all of this happen on Talk-Like-a-Pirate Day?

The sailors of the pirate ship catapulted boulder after boulder towards the winged beast, until the foul creature stopped in midair. Nobody is quite sure why it did so. Also, scholars still debate on why on earth the bird stared straight at an oncoming rock that he could've undoubtedly eluded. Some say that the rock was especially shiny, while others say that a pirate, in a stroke of genius, painted the words, "HEY, BIRD! LOOK OVER HERE!" on its façade. Nevertheless, the boulder struck the foolish bird square in the face, allowing it to drop its captive into the island's forest.

"Link," Aryll cried, "this is so terrible! That girl fell into the forest! She needs help!"

"Yeah, I know!" Link gasped, still staring in the direction of the woods. The siblings paused for a moment, before Aryll shot Link a demanding look and cleared her throat.

"Well?" she demanded.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to help her?"

"What, me? Gods, no!"

"How come? I mean, you are the protagonist, aren't you?"

"A protagonist doesn't necessarily have to do heroics, now, does he? I mean, this could turn out to be a mystery or a Mary-Sue romance for all I know. Heck, it could even turn out to be something about a shady government conspiracy to rule the world, if the author plays his cards right."

"But you're the same age as the Hero of Time? Aren't you going to follow his example?"

"Listen Aryll," explained Link, "Just because you have a whole ceremony and make heavenly vows doesn't mean you have to literally follow it out. It's like keeping a New Year's Resolution, state that you will be in Jerusalem next year, and preaching for peace on earth and good will to all men. In all actuality, everybody knows that you're not going to change and that you're too afraid to go to Israel nowadays. And about peace on earth? Pah!"

The little girl rolled her eyes and sighed. She wasn't going to be able convince the unwilling hero anytime soon. In fact, it would take her so long to formulate an idea that the chronicler himself would have to end the chapter out of lack of ideas. But Aryll knew in her heart that she would soon make him rise to his potential.

Of course, it would be tough, and it would have to involve the gulls.


End file.
